I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
