So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
