He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize