i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
