So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
