I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
