i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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