I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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