I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
