lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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