Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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