I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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