I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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