i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
