I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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