You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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