it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
