so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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