The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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