you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
