Got a toothbrush?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im holly from the hills drunk
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
