just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize