You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
