I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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