I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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