I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
