Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just had sex on a roof
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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