Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
