Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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