Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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