I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
