it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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