if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Of course I have a pirate flag
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My feet surprised me
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