I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
