you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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