I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Houston, we have a squirter
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
