I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
