I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
