What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
