Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
