just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
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