I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize