she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
