what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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