I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
