My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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