omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
