Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is my gift to your gina
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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