i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
