went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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