Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This baby is an asshole
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
