And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
