We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
