if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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