i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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