took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
