May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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