Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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