last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
