Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
