look no pants
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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