At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
