i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
