Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
