Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
